Lousy Human Satire: Punk Band Breaks Up After 20 Total Audience Members in Basement Show: “Too Mainstream Now.”

Note: This article originally published on Lousy Human satire magazine.

—

Seattle, WA — Punk Band “Dog Pussy”, famously created in a drive-thru wait, has disbanded, lead singer Brock Knockson revealed today exclusively to Lousy Human. 

“I’ll always be grateful for that time spent with the band.” Brock stated in a press conference where he was wearing sleeveless leather. “What we had was really special – but we must keep it real, and authentic. When my parents found out about the band, I was ready to call it quits then – but my bandmates helped us keep moving.” He crushed a Red Stripe after that in the parking lot. 

“Unfortunately, we gained some success,” said drummer Motley Mule. “I was ready to call it once we had a YouTube video hit 2,000 views. That alone, I mean, that’s not punk at all. That’s basically Aerosmith. Gross. Then, someone went and made a website. It had a ‘contact us’ button and everything. People were reaching out to book us at other venues. One even offered us money. This is not the way.” 

Last Friday, things imploded when Dog Pussy had a basement show with 20 attendees – excited, supportive, and knowledgeable of the band’s songs and background lore. Some were even singing along. Afterwards, it was revealed that someone in the band’s inner circle created profiles across streaming services like Spotify, Apple music, even Tidal. From there, the band felt it was not right to continue sharing music.

“I mean, Tidal? Seriously? They’re known for paying artists. This means we’ll be making money AND building awareness,” remarked their bass player, who chooses to not go by his Christian name. “I don’t know how this turned into such a runaway train. And I know runaway trains. I’ve lived in one.”

During the exclusive interview with Lousy Human, the band stated “We’re going to work on our final album, and then call it. But we won’t be releasing the final album; you must find it yourself. We’re burying it somewhere in the continental United States. If you find it, it’s all yours! There’s only one. Not hints, either. Hints are not punk.” 

Brock hopes that civilizations years from now, or possibly aliens, can uncover the album and pontificate on the sound, and mostly to feel stupid that they missed out on some “next shit.”

“The key to this album, like any punk band, is to make you feel like shit for not knowing about it, while simultaneously making you a loser for spending time to learn. That’s punk.” 

When asked about the future, the band declined to comment. It was very punk.