I Hate Fancy Restaurants, and You Should TOO.
I don’t like fancy restuarants. I decided this today. Well, I decided it unconsciously a few years ago, but i’ve decided it consciously today.
They simply don’t make sense today. I really desire some authenticity in my restuarants. I like a place where you walk in, and you’re bothering them. You walk in, and they grunt and sigh because they don’t want to help you. They’re trying to watch soccer. They don’t know you and they don’t care about you. And that is why they will make you an honest sandwich.
I don’t like fancy restaurants, and I decided today that I’m never going to one again. I don’t like fancy places because I can’t say what’s on the menu. I need to point to it, like an asshole. I walk in with my stupid shoes and knit t-shirt googling stuff because I don’t know what I’m even looking at, and no fancy places have pictures on the menu. I need to point to it and go “uhhhhh uhhhh” and then I end up putting on a fucking accent like “va va va vu vuuuuuuuu va vu vu vu va vavavavavavavaa vuuuuuuuuuuuuu”.
They’re in the back like, “give this guy the fucking slop. that’s all he can pronounce.”
I don’t like fancy restaurants, and I decided today that they are the most hack fucking thing on this planet. Everyone rips on places like Hooters but I don’t want to hear it. I hate Hooters too. I just respect Hooters because they get out in front of it. Hey, people want to come here and eat whatever and look at stuff. Just shut up. They are authentic, in their way. You don’t have to like it. Meanwhil,e every place that is historic is trying so hard. They always has a stupid sign for everything. There’s a plaque like “This plank is preserved exactly as it was in 1888!” Great.
My favorite is when you go to a restaurant and they’re like, “Oh, have you ever eaten here before?” Really?
Like no, I haven’t but let me take a wild guess. Do I order? Then its brought out? Then I pay for it? I’ve been to restuarants.
I like places with a slippery health code and no table cloths and a guy who doesn’t want to be there. What’s keeping him from even making it the right way? Nothing. Just trust it. That’s life!